Cornwall 2024 (Part 2) - Sea Gull Invaders & Shite Customer Service

 Saturday 29 June

I get up for a pee at 4am and Gwen is sat patiently at the caravan door looking at me desperately.  I let her out into our compound and go back to bed.

OK, hands up all those that have been woken by a seagull inside their caravan flapping and shitting everywhere ………… just me then is it?

Steven's smaller brother here had been attracted by a bag of half eaten Revels  left on display on the front chest and fancied his chances.  Herself had heard a flapping noise and thought it was the awning canvas.  It continued and she got up to investigate.

Walking through the midships shower room she was aghast at seeing  Steven's smaller brother here strutting his stuff on the front bench.  Both Gwawr and Gwen were also aghast, and instead of barking and generally doing doggy stuff and protecting their turf they just sat staring.

Herself come back to the bedroom to wake me.  I can see by her face that something's wrong, but without my hearing aids in I'm really struggling to understand what she's saying.  Wiping the sleep from my eyes, and doing my best to lip read and I thought for one ridiculous moment Herself said "There's an effin Gull in our van!"

I peel myself off the sheets and go have a look.  Peaking round the door I clock Steven's smaller brother strutting on the front bench having already shit over most of the surfaces.  I turned to Herself and said "There's an effin Gull in our van!"

Gwawr and Gwen now retreat to the back bedroom as they know it's going to kick off.

My plan of knocking it unconscious with our Kampa Sabre Light is instantly dismissed by animal loving Herself, so I step aside and let her deal with it.

Herself has now got Steven's smaller brother cornered, but couldn’t find his way out!  He starts pecking at the front window as Herself approaches, and every time Herself tried to reach around him to open the window he started pecking at her.

I'm in fits of giggles now watching events unfold.  By now Steven's smaller brother has not only shit himself again but has also regurgitated the half eaten pack of Revels!

Herself, having had enough of being pecked decides it may be an idea to open the adjacent window and shoe him out.  Steven's smaller brother escapes without getting knocked out, which I still maintain would have been the cleaner option. We filled a bin with kitchen roll as we wiped down and disinfected all the surfaces up front.

Nelson and Teacher are taking Beastie and Bwmps to the aquarium in Newquay today, so we go our separate ways.

Mike follows me and we manage to park up in Charlestown with relative ease.  We initially walk down and take a bench looking our into the English Channel as Sailing Boats do Sailing Boaty stuff offshore, before taking tables outside the Pier House Hotel for refreshments and a decent spell of people watching.

We then set off for a walk around the harbour where Nursey has a moment as we pass the table that Coupons was sat with us at this time last year, on the phone to her best friend telling her how nice it was here.

Some overpriced Poldark Gin and Poldark Rum  is procured from a stall on the harbour side before we climb back up the slope and take a table outside Tallships.  Hunger pains were set aside with the aid of some pasties.  Grumbles' hunger pains continued to bother him though as he wanted a cheese and tomato roll.  They didn't do cheese and tomato rolls and nothing else would do.

My turn to have a moment again though.  Just after Coupons passed I had a photo printed of her eating an ice-cream at this very spot to put in a frame next to one of Creaky, also eating an ice-cream. The feelings are still very raw, and I'm not sure returning to places she loved so much is such a good idea?

The tears were running down my cheeks!

Nelson takes the kids up the Live Lounge, but to be honest we’re all knackered tonight.  Nursey and Mike cwtch up in their static, we feed Grumbles off the Weber before dropping him off for an early night, and for some reason while Nelson is putting the kids to bed Herself and Nursey decide to go up the Launderette, at 9.30pm mind, because it’s quiet!!

Sunday 30 June

No plans to go far today.  Nelson, Teacher, Beastie and Bwmps head into Newquay to look at the Aquarium and then spend a bit of time on the beach.

We've been here a week and not gone int Perranporth as of yet.  Parked up we clip the dogs on and set off in the direction of St Pirans Rd and the shops. As per usual herself and Grumbles set off at 100 mph, leaving little time for browsing, except for those shops that Grumbles continues on his mission to expand his collection of short sleeved shirts.

I did get a chance to buy myself a Wierd Fish cardigan (Grumbles also bought one to add another layer in an effort to combat the Arctic conditions) before we disappointingly walked past the closed doggy shop.

We took a table outside Seiners behind the glass screens to have refreshments looking over onto the beach below.

Herself and Nursey have a mooch around the craft fair going on inside, and I benefit by them getting me a rather fancy coat hook and bottle opener for my "Cwtch Bach Cwrw" at home.

Back on site and everyone else is enjoying some personal contemplation time.  I'm bored, and me and bored are a dangerous combination.  I decide I'm going for a walk to the beach.  Perrand Sands is set in the Penhale Dunes, Britain's highest sand dunes at 90m above sea level.  Tripadvisor also warns that the route down to sea level can be a little challenging.

"How bad can it be?" is what I'm thinking as clip on Gwawr, Gwen and Jax and set off to the access.  I get to the top and it appears that the 90m is almost straight down!

Gwen has the smell of the sea in her nostrils and is pulling for all she's worth.  I'm still on the road bit, having not yet reached the SW coastal path, trying my best to keep the pace down as all three decide we need to get there quicker, and my quads are starting to give me the good news.  We round the bend and are greeted by concrete zig zag ramps.

People sat on benches aren't laughing at me now, they're looking worried for me.  We enter what seems like a toboggan run, my sandals no longer offering grip, and people are diving for cover as the dogs drag me down the ramps like a bowling ball bouncing off the kiddies rails on a 10 pin lane!

We hit the bottom and my sandals dig into the sand.  the dogs keep going though and I end up face first in the soft sand.  Pretending not to be hurt I get up, unclip the hounds and head straight towards the open space between the cliff and low tide.

I turn around to look at what I've just come down, and just the thought of climbing back up that has the lactic acid pumping into my calves!

I decide that walking the 1.5 km through soft sand was the easier option, so set off towards Perranporth admiring the rock formations as I went.

Rounding the headland and Perranporth itself comes into sight.  I now need to think about getting back to site so get on the blower.

Herself's phone goes straight to answerphone, as does Nelson's having no signal.  I start to worry.  Teacher's rings but she rejects the call after 3 rings.  I try again, just 2 rings this time, she must be trying to get Bwmps to have a nap.  How inconsiderate!

My level of concern is raising as I punch in Nursey's number. It rings out.  I try again and once more it rings out.  Always on silent that woman's phone!  I'm really desparate now as, in more than hope than anything, I try Mike.  I could have cried when he answered, and it was more than with a little relief that i saw his jalopy pulling into the turning area outside Seiners to rescue me.

It would appear that Ingerland are playing in the Wendyball tonight, so normal entertainment is delayed as the game is played out on the big screen.

What is it about Wendyball fans?  They just can't behave themselves can they?  Even here, in a family entertainment venue with kids running around, they had to up the security presence and issue several warnings about jumping up on chairs and tables and throwing beer around!

Thankfully Ingerland won, so we were spared the ritual of chairs being thrown through the air!

The Seaside Squad came and went, and Grumbles tutted his way though it.  We gritted our teeth through Beachball Bingo as Mine Host took every opportunity to get the room to chant "It's Coming Home"

Time now for the grown up's entertainment, and I can't for the life of me think why, but Grumbles stopped grumbling and was extremely interested in the show now being put on.

Monday 1 July

A bit cloudy when we get up, but having holidayed in the Duchy for so many years I know it's a good bet that if the weather's not great on the north coast it can be better on the south.

Nelson announces they're off to Mevagissey, which sounds like a plan, so we follow his exhaust fumes all the way there.

Parked up, we get as far as Willow Trading before the brakes are applied for Grumbles to buy another shirt.  With that done we only get as far as Harbour Trading on Valley Rd where the brakes are applied again  for Nursey and Teacher to have a mooch.

Beastie and Bwmps benefit by both having the biggest lollipops I've ever seen, and I'm pretty sure Teacher will be regretting it as soon as those e numbers kick in.

We thread our way though the narrow streets towards the harbour and walk around to the aquarium, that is free to enter, but donations welcomed.

They did alright out of us, there wasn't exactly much in there, and between us we threw £30 into his collections bucket to cover our 3 mins and 25 seconds of joy.

Round the other side Nursey, Herself, Nelson, Teacher, Beastie and Bwmps get conned decide to go on a boat trip "dolphin spotting" while Mike, Grumbles and I hold onto the dogs while munching on pasties.

They didn't get to see any dolphins (quelle surprise) but enjoyed the much calmer (than Padstow) boat trip, with Uncle Albert making a fuss of Beastie and Bwmps, even letting them steer - off course - for a bit while out in open water.

Hungry work this steering boats, and Beastie decides she wants a pasty, at 6 years old she wants a pasty to herself.

Back on site and Cochyn has arrived to stay with Nursey and Mike.  He has dragged along with him Cochyn's Significant Other for the ride.

Beastie and Bwmps are on their chin straps, so after tea an early night is called for.  Nursey needs to feed Cochyn and CSO so head they off up the Surf Bay for a bit.  We decline the offer as we've chicken that needs cooking to go with new potatoes and salad.

We join them up Surf Bay for a few drinks later , before adjourning to Coast Bar for a few more, before retreating back to ours for an awning party, joined by Nelson and Teacher with Beastie and Bwmps  now tucked in for the night.

Special mention here to Cochyn though who proceeded to demolish my Cornish rum stash, emptying the last drops of each bottle, much to the disgust of CSO.

Tuesday 2 July

A bit cloudy again when we wake, but I'm not complaining, we've been down here 10 days and not seen any rain.  There's been some light rain overnight, but noting in daylight.

Once again though, go to a different part and the weather will often be better.

We go our separate ways today.  Cochyn is taking CSO down to Lands End, we've already been this holiday so didn't join them.  The weather cleared while they were there, and they had a significantly better experience there than us weather wise, even if Cochyn's folically challenged once ginger suede took a hammering under the sun!

The rest of us went straight south again to St Mawes, a place Nursey wanted to visit as she'd shared a wonderful day here with Coupons a few years back.

We walk around towards the castle at first looking for somewhere where the dogs could have a splash in the crystal clear water.

We couldn't find anywhere so turned around as thoughts turned to lunch.  The Ship & Castle is far too up itself for us to entertain going in there with 5 dogs, and the a la Carte lunch menu on display at Idle |Rocks far too fussy for us to take a terrace table there (sorry Mam), so we manage to bag two tables outside the Rising Sun - albeit 15m apart - for a late lunch.

Grumbles wasn't happy though, there wasn't anything on the menu he wanted on the menu so was just going to have a soup, until Nelson popped over from their table and said Bwmps was having sausage and mash off the children's menu. Grumbles wanted that.

There was much confusion at the bar as in my deepest west Wales accent I tried to explain that I wanted to order 2 x child's sausage and mash, but on one plate for an adult. I was almost on the point of telling Trigger(ess) to just bring it out as two servings!

My crab sandwich was divine,  even if the price induced a cold sweat, with herself and Grumbles being happy with theirs too!

Beastie wasn't so lucky though, they manged to cock up her order of a simple cheese sandwich a total of three times.  They gave up in the end, had a refund and went over the Co-op to get her something to eat!

The dogs get a swim in the clear water down a ramp opposite before we head back to Perranporth via the King Harry Ferry crossing the River Fal thus (according to their website) avoiding miles of congested roads.

Despite having had 4 sausages, mash and peas back in St Mawes Grumbles is still hungry when we get back so we feed him more sausages, this time with saute potatoes and a fried egg before turning our thoughts to going out.

Cochyn and CSO have yet to experience the Live Lounge, so we head on up there en masse. It's Pirate night tonight, and we're all treated to lessons in how to be a Pirate. My evening progressed in multiples of 4 to ease the pain.

The kids enjoyed though, and so did I once the first pitcher had been dispensed with, and I am now an expert in saying "Shiver me timbers" and such like.

While we've been up the Live Lounge Nursey has been vanishing for significant spells at a time all week.  She's not a smoker or vaper so we we're all wondering what she was up to.  I needed to open the pressure release valve on my bladder, and as is typical in these places the bogs are situated so that you need to walk through the arcade to have a pee.  There she was on the gamblers, busted, banged to rights.

Wednesday 3 July

A bit of drizzle in the air this morning.  I pop up to collect Grumbles and the cold he'd been telling everyone he was going in for yesterday has arrived today.  He doesn't look well to be fair, and says he's going back to bed for a bit after taking some tablets.

He's a bit better by 11am and even manages some breakfast.

Nelson & Co are staying on site today to take advantage of the daytime activities.  Cochyn and CSO are off into Newquay and the rest of us make tracks towards Falmouth. No such luck with the north south weather divide today as it's still drizzling on and off as we park up and walk Falmouth end to end popping in and out of shops.

During an off period we stop at Harbour View for a drink, and hopefully food.  Well we would have had a view if it had not been for this handsome beast blocking it out, just stood there drivelling all over the adjacent table!

And they stopped serving food 10  mins ago! Nursey and Mike are heading back to see Cochyn and CSO, but Grumbles is hungry.  We sit at an outside table, under the umbrellas outside Ship Wrights and grab one of their all day menus.

Again Grumbles doesn't fancy anything but eventually decides on fish.  It starts to rain again as I go inside to order and note empty tables inside that allows dogs. Herself is about to get Grumbles when the girl behind the bar notices I'm holding a menu.

"Did you want food?"

"Yes, are the dogs allowed in here."

"Yes they are, but we're not doing food now."

"But it says here all day on here?"

"Yes, we serve food all day, but the kitchen closes between 3pm and 5pm."

My head clicks as I try to compute what I've just been told.  We decide to try and find somewhere on the way back north.  We didn't, well not anywhere Herself liked the look of, and we're rolling back onto site starving hungry.

No time to stop, and we walk straight up to Coast Bar for fish and chips from Captain Cook's.  They were not the quickest and by the time Herself returns to the table with the food Grumbles is beside himself.  He's already paced over there to see what the delay was, and isn't even consoled by the battered whale in front of him when he unwrapped it!

Nearly £42 mind for 3 x large fish and chips to takeaway!

Nursey, Mike, Cochyn and CSO also joined us, as Cochyn had said he'd prefer to do that rather than go back up Surf Bay.

We didn't see Nelson & Co as they'd gone back up the Live Lounge for the evening. I was knackered so had an early night while Herself stopped up Nursey's van talking until late when Cochyn and CSO headed for home.

Thursday 4 July

The sun is back with us today.  Election Day for the rest of the UK, but a beach day planned for us.

Grumbles is feeling a bit better today, but doesn't fancy the beach and is content to do some sun worshiping cwtched up tight to a windbreak where it isn't so cold.

We roll down into Perranporth but were unable to find a space in the car park close by, so abandoning the cars by the Co-op we loaded up the trolleys and set off.  They were heavy enough with food, drink, water for dogs, beach shelter and chairs before Beastie and Bwmps jumped on for a ride!

We set up camp right in the middle, adjacent to the fresh water stream, and as is tradition I started on the sand castle building, forgetting how hard it is to actually dig rather than just telling people to dig as I do in work!  I was soon regretting the size of the erection I had marked out.

The wind picked up, and the kid's beach shelter soon proved to be no match,  Herself lost a nail attempting to hold on and I just know it's going to be my fault later.

I see that the spot I originally wanted to go to on the other side of the stream next to the cliffs that would provide shelter from the wind is still vacant, so ignoring the "Danger Falling Rocks" signs we set up beach camp #2 for the day.

Meanwhile Perranporth's answer to The Hoff and Pammy shit themselves, put out the red flags and like swarming ants hundreds of neoprene clad specimens carrying planks head back up the sands to safety. I thought their jobs were to save lives, but the first chance they may have to get wet and do it they opt out, preferring to sit in the comfort of their Hilux!

The tide has turned and I watch on as a few fools wade out though the incoming water onto the island.  the Hoff gets out his megaphone and  swears at them until they climb back down and wade to safety.  It would have been a long and cold 12 hours for them otherwise!

With the advancing water we need to move again and set up camp #3 for the day under Seiners, we didn't bother with the beach shelter for a third time!  By now Bwmps is zonked and out cold in a makeshift bed in one of the trolleys.

With the forecast being rain from midnight tonight likely to last 24 hrs we make the decision to drop the awnings today rather than tomorrow while they're dry followed by a quick freshen up to go out.  We burst into the Live Lounge to a world of Panto - in July. Aladin was decent enough, but the cast were no match for Clown Kev or Owen Money!

We've not eaten, and Grumbles is grumbling.  Me not being able to get to grips with the Haven Serve app to get some Slim Chickens delivered to our table is doing nothing for his patience with the Oh yes he is capers.

All ravenous, we tucked into our food like a pack of savages, and when done the world was a better place.  Time now for Beach Ball Bingo.  Coupons loved her Bingo and so does Beastie, so her and Nursey have a game in Coupon's honour.

 If you've never been to Perran Sands this is an experience you need to do.  It;s just the one game of bingo but lasts about half an hour.  It's not boring though.  It's themed and at set intervals throughout the game music is played and all participants are encouraged to go wild, dancing and partying like they've never partied before.  The prize for the most coked up enthusiastic being a bottle of vinegar house white for their efforts.

Beastie is full on into it, and ensures the rest of our table is too, even Grumbles, and was most upset when Stevie shit himself and chose the gyppos family on the other side of the room for the freebies.

Friday 5 July

The rain arrived and it hammered down all  night.  We wake to the news that Labour have won a record landslide victory in the General Election.

Grumbles is off home today and calls in for a coffee before setting off.  I watch my screen nervously tracking him until he reaches the A30 and is heading east towards Bodmin before I can relax and spend the morning watching events unfold in London.

Midday comes and goes and it's still raining heavy on and off.  Nelson books a session at Jungle Jack's in Newquay for Beastie and Bwmps to burn off some energy while the rest of us head into Newquay for a walk around in our waterproofs.

I was going to procure a bottle of Cornish rum to take home with me.  I went into the shop, chose one and put it on the counter.  I then pulled out 2 purple ones from my wallet to pay.

"We don't accept cash."

"What? It's legal tender."

"Sorry it's not me, it's my boss' decision. He stopped accepting cash during COVID."

"Fair enough, but tell your boss he just lost £40 in his till."

I refuse to accept a cashless society.

People are hungry so we head over to Sailors and manage to get a table inside.  Even when passed the Gorilla with the shaved head guarding the door mid afternoon the experience was far from great.

Having chosen from the menu I waited at the bar for 10 mins to be served, while another 6 or 7 joined me now forming an inpatient throng jostling for position to be served when someone could be bothered.

Behind me a Denise van Outen wannabe is running around delivering plates of goodness to  other tables.  Eventually a snarling Rotweiler of a woman appears and grunts at me.

"Yes?"

"Two steak and ale pies please, one with mash and one with chips."

"No pies, waiting for delivery."

I turn to Herself, explained and asks whet else she wants.

"Come on, I've got others waiting" she snarled.

Herself decides, I tell the Rotty then look at the menu.

The Rotty snarled again "FFS"

I panic and order the first thing my eyes can focus on without glasses.

The food arrives and DvO virtually throws the plate onto the table, in doing so knocking a pint and a half of coke all over Herself.  Herself was soaked.  DvO just looked on then walked away.  Not an apology or even something to try and clear up the mess.

The rest of the food was delivered by a drip pretending to be the manager.

"Could we have something to clean up please? Your waitress just spilled drinks over my wife."

He looks blank before toddling off and returning with a roll of paper towel. He goes to leave.

"Aren't you going to apologise, or even offer to replace the drinks she spilled?"

"Sorry?"

"Your waitress just spilled a pint and a half of coke over us!"

"Did she?"

No apology was forthcoming, but he came back with 2 pints of coke.

"There you go, I poured 2 full pints to make up for it."

"A full half pint? For free? Are you sure?"

"Yeah man."

The sarcasm was lost on him, and given the size of the guns on the shaven headed Gorilla guarding the door I wasn't about to argue! That and I had a plate full of food that would waste of I got thrown out!

Back on site we do a final pack up on our van while Nelson and Teacher take Beastie and Bwmps up the Live Lounge for one last dose of the Seaside Squad before we're hitched up an pulling out in convey for the tow home at 8.30pm.

The journey was not without incident though. The A30 is closed and we're diverted through Exeter.  It's only now it's dark enough and Nelson can get close enough in the slow traffic that he notices something and rings us.  he can see something hanging under our van close to the middle, it's not touching the ground but we may want to check it out.

Pulling into the lorry area of Taunton Dean I reach for a torch and crawl under the van to take a look.  The cross actuation bar on the mover has sheared on one side.  Easily solved for now to keepus on the road with a heavy duty cable tie, but I'll be taking the matter up with Powrtouch.  The mover is only just over 5 years old, but even if out of warrantee there is no way that part should be failing under normal use.

1.30am and we're pulling up outside Home is where you drag it towers and straight into bed.  emptying the van can wait until tomorrow.

I said at the outset that I didn't know how the holiday would go.  Coupons loved her holidays and would have wanted us to enjoy ours, even without her. Nursey and I both had our moments, as did the others I expect, but for the vast majority of the time we had a wonderful time.  We partied and spent some quality time together as a family, with all ours being down there at some point.

Missing you Mam, more than you could ever imagine.