I feel slightly at odds here. Unlike many others on social media, I did not have a two month lead it time with "Can you guess where we're going next?" posts, nor did I have "hacks for caravanning in XYZ." videos, nor did I have a YouTube live video en route updating all and sundry on being delayed for 15 mins in traffic and missing check in time (though if you got on and drove instead of stopping to make a video about being slightly delayed you wouldn't be as delayed you plank).
Also for the avoidance of doubt, this trip isn't sponsored and I haven't teamed up with anyone. I paid the going rate for our van, bought my own toilet chemicals, and do not pester my caravan manufacturer to be featured in any of their marketing stunts, nor do I hang around my dealer's showroom for hours on end hoping to get recognised by other punters.
Monday 17 October
We've a few days booked off work, and when I wake at 8am to the sun streaming through the blinds. herself still dead to the world. She's had a rough week, so I dare not disturb her. It's 10.45am before her eyelids start to open.
Not wanting to waste any more time I'm straight in with "Are we going away or not?" After a little badgering she says OK, but we've not booked anything yet.
I crack on, loading up the van and Toyah while Herself gets her shit together. By 1pm I've booked a site near Burnham on Sea and we can scream Wagons Roll !!!
The traffic flowed freely with just one incident near Newport where a tit in a lorry carrying drain pipes pulled out from the construction site straight in front of us. Anchors were thrown out and expletives shouted, though why I bothered I don't know, it's not as if he could hear us, and with Toyah's horn being a little asthmatic there was no point of leaning on that.
Pulling off the M4 onto the M49 at Sever Beach we're taken aback at the size of a load parked up in the abnormal load waiting area. Turns out that Gwent's finest Traffic Officers had pulled it over as it traveled down the M4, and it's been there a few days now since Friday. At 50m long and weighing in at 94 tonnes it was troubling them somewhat.
3pm and we're pulling in through the gates of the club's Hurn Lane site which appears to be empty bar a few coffin dodgers and their dogs.
Click here for pitch location
Setting up was simple, the pitch dead flat, and no Isabellas this time, just our trusty old Swift canopy.
We throw a corned beef roll down our necks as we've not eaten yet today, before heading out. Firstly we call in the Co-op at Berrow before doubling back towards Brean down to give the dogs a bloody good run.
Bearing in mind it's still light and only just gone 5pm, but as we're rolling through Brean we're surprised firstly at how quiet it is and secondly, those that are about are traipsing around in PJs, slippers and dressing gowns. The queue in the chippy was entirely in nightware! Whether they'd changed early or not yet got dressed is anyone's guess.
The Brean Down Inn catches our attention, where I throw a Guinness down my neck while waiting for a pizza to takeaway back to the van.
Dogs fed, and pizza scoffed, Herself settles down for the evening in front of the TV while I generally lose my shit trying to set up my Nighthawk with a new EE sim. I've no idea why EE make it so bloody difficult to add credit to a SIM, I really don't, so gave up in the end and tethered the laptop to the phone!
Tuesday 18 October
With Herself still in the Land of Nod I get up to let the dogs out for a pee before embarking on another attempt to throw some money at EE (only because they have 5g around here) but fail miserably. The early morning mist has burned off before I binned the attempt and inserted my Smarty sim back in and renewing the plan for a month!
Slow start to the day, and it's 10am by the time Herself peels herself off the sheets for her 1st coffee. With a mug of Glengettie's finest and a few pastries chucked down my neck I set about sprucing Toyah up a bit while Herself showers and makes herself even more beautiful.
An hour later and Toyah's interior no longer stinks of Cornish beaches, Gloucestershire canals and bails of dog hair. Herself scrubbed up quite nice too!!
Before we go anywhere the dogs need a good run, else they'll pull our arms out of the sockets. I'm heading to the recreation field / dog walk that we used last night, but seeing that it belongs to Warren Farm and we're not staying there Herself is none too keen on the idea.
"Why don't we see if we can get on the beach for a walk?"
"I just spent an hour cleaning the car out!"
"It'll be nice, and the sea will do Gwen's wounds some good."
Gwen is recovering from surgery to her ear. I know when I'm on a loser so swing a left onto the beach access where a delinquent in a yellow vest dashes any hopes I had of not paying the required fee to park on the beach, and demands £3 for the privilege of doing so.
Parked up, we ignore the warning signs and follow the dogs as they race towards the sea. The tide is a fair way out, and I swear we almost back in Barry Island by the time they can get their paws wet.
Rolling in through Uphill my heart sinks as I see a sign saying that the southern promenade is closed and we're greeted with acres and acres of the area fenced off with Heras Fencing in preparation for this coming weekend's Weston Beach Race. With so much closed off parking is at a premium. We do 2 circuits before spotting a sign for beach parking. This time we're greeted by a geriatric in a yellow vest, demanding £6 to abandon Toyah on the sand!
With that painful experience out of the way and the dogs clipped on we head south first to take a look at Weston's newest attraction. The way the dogs are pulling you'd swear they'd been cooped up for hours and not had their legs run off them just half hour ago.
Planked on the sand is See Monster, a retired North Sea oil rig that's been turned into some sort of environmental exhibition as a celebration of Brexit. It looked quite impressive on the sand and no doubt gets the message over on many issues, but I can't help feel that the £120m price tag could have been spent elsewhere with more benefit.
Unable to go on it because of the dogs we turn around and make our way north along the promenade. I'm temped by the ice cream kiosks, and start to think back to my childhood when one of Coupons' aunties, "Nanna Weston" used to work in one, and provided excellent value for money to visiting family.
The prices they wanted were somewhat more than back in the day so it was quite easy to walk on by!
Weston is busy, a lot busier than I though it would be, and looks quite splendid in the warm autumn sunshine as we make our way up past the Grand Pier on the lookout for lunch.
The York Hotel appears like a mirage on the horizon, much to the relief of herself's screaming knees. Some very nice sandwiches are washed down with some very average pints of Morretti before we get dragged by the dogs back to the car.
Back on site the chairs are set out on the grass and we watch on as the Fat Controller (regional manger we assume) bollocks the warden team about needing to cut back some growth on the hedge behind us.
Thoughts turn to an evening meal. We have no food in the van so have three possible choices that we fancy. Pub, Chinese or Indian.
We decide to head to the Brean Down Inn once more for a drink to mull over the options. Pulling into the car park Herself clocks that the Chinese isn't open so that's one option out of the window. After settling Herself at a table in the conservatory I go to the bar to get drinks. There are no menus visible and the barman informs me kitchen is closed this evening due to staffing issues. Option 2 now swiftly following option 1.
Thankfully the Bay of India was open and we collected a curry to take back to the van to devour. It was superb, it really was, and ranks as one of the best curries I ever had. And I've had a few I can tell you.
Wednesday 19 October
I had a rough night last night and was awake from 1am through to 5am when I eventually managed to grab some shut eye. As nice as the curry was last night, we ate too late for us, and I ate far too much, so it sat heavily, very heavily. At one point I considered doing a few laps of the site at 3am, but it was persisting it down so thought better of it.
We were having a lazy morning around the van slurping tea and coffee when Herself notices some light scratches on the front windows. They've been there since the dealer washed than van back in March, but now she's mentioned them they're bothering me.
To be fair to Herself though, while I was outside giving them the good news with some car polish, she threw some rashers onto the heat and prepared some rolls for a late breakfast.
By the time we're ready to roll it's midday. First call is Brean Beach once again to give the dogs some exercise. It's costing us £3 every time we venture onto the sand, but we're on holiday, so eff it!!
With them knackered and gasping we're just about to leave when we notice a clown taking his little 2wd car down closer to the water's edge, ignoring all the warning signs not to do so. After walking that far down yesterday over the very wet and soft sand we know he's chancing his arm. I'll keep an eye out on the SW News this evening.
We're heading inland now in the direction of Wells, England's smallest city, and also famous for the location of the movie Hot Fuzz. It's market day with an interesting array of stalls. Overpriced hippy tat and overpriced street food seem the order of the day.
Herself is taken by a hand made wigwam she thinks would be ideal for Beastie and Bwmps, but at £125 I lose interest quickly much to Herself's disgust and she stomps off to take a table to the rear of The Crown Inn. I go in to get some drinks and clock a plaque and photo on the wall. It appears that this establishment featured as the pub in the film.
An extended family group of Yanks are at the bar, making the most of it thinking they're in some sort of tourist attraction and are insisting on each trying a thimble full sample of all the real ales and ciders before choosing their drinks of Coors and pots of tea. The barman was anticipating a lot more than the 25p tip they gave him for his trouble!
Back outside Herself is in conversation with an elderly Canadian couple who can't get their heads round Herself's accent and are under the impression she's from Wells and not Wales!
Once Herself's knackered knees have had enough of a rest we get up to browse the rest of the market, which is shutting down! We make tracks back to site and sit in the chairs relaxing for a while before once again heading over to the Brean Down Inn for a drink while pondering our choices for an evening meal. We've still not got any shopping in to cook anything!
While doing so we had a bit of a surreal experience. An older couple with their daughter were sat the other side of the conservatory with their two border collies. After their meal the bloke got up to take the dogs out to the car and the woman comes over to us. She'd seen us on the beach this morning and had watched me lifting Tali into the boot. His back end is going, and while he can mange Vera, Toyah is just a little too high for him.
The woman breaks down crying while stood next to us and then fesses up that their eldest collie has been diagnosed with Canine Cancer and was given 8 weeks to live at the start of October!!
What can you do or say to someone you've only just met that blurts that out? Herself is much better at these things than me, and while I sat there slack jawed she managed to say all the right things.
It's decided we'll have a Chinese takeaway from the Sunnyside takeaway adjacent to the pub. We're perusing the menu in the window when from nowhere we had a deluge with thunder and lightening that lasted about 30 seconds. We got wet, Herself is not happy, and of course it's my fault!!
Sat having our evening meal back at the caravan and a few cars crawl past. We're pitched in the far corner of the site far away from the facilities so have no passing traffic. You'd have to detour to pass us on the way out, so those that do pass us are obviously only doing so for a nose! I've now taken to either staring back at them or twiddling my nipples as they crawl past craning their necks. Which one much depends on whether Herself is within striking distance!!
Sat up late tonight watching the 2022 Elvis movie with all the lights out pretending to be in the cinema. Would have been so much better in the summer projected onto the side of the van!
Thursday 20 October
Great night's kip last night for the first time this week, and wake fresh as a daisy. The main reason we extended by one night was that @DerektheWeather had promised great things today. Springing the blinds open tells me the Barrybados product is some way wide of the mark with his work of fiction this morning!
It's the lightest of light rain though. I try not to judge because you don't know everyone's situation, scratch that I judge people all the time, but I'm taken aback somewhat when campers feel the need to drive to the onsite dog walk.
We get bacon and egg rolls from the resident van onsite, mainly because I feel sorry for them having not seen them have a customer since Monday! Use it or lose it. We get talking and the guvnr tells me they sold one portion of fish and chips all evening yesterday.
It clears up and we decide to head of out. By the time we're in Toyah and making our way to Brean Beach it's started to rain again.
The dogs don't care and bolt out of the boot as soon as the tailgate is lifted. By the time we're about 1/4 mile from Toyah it's proper hammering down and we get a good old fashioned soaking as another flash storm does its stuff around us. The rain is hitting the sand so hard my trousers are covered in sand up to the knees.
Dripping wet and with Toyah's blowers set to flat out we make tracks to Burnham on Sea on the hunt for gifts to take back for Beastie and Bwmps. With that mission accomplished we point Toyah's nose inland towards Cheddar. Parking adjacent to the cheese factory I'm tempted to vandalise the Turpin machine as it wants £6 to park up. I've no option really as entry is monitored by CCTV and we've been here longer than the 45 seconds allowed without paying!
We take a stroll get dragged by the dogs up as far as Cheddar Paws where Herself goes in alone and comes out with some expensive looking doggy treats, before we head back down and take a seat outside "On The Rocks" for refreshments.
It's a really funky place and we enjoy an hour under the canopy while reggae music provided some background noise. A real improvement from when it was a rather run down pub in the shape of The Galleries! A shame really the rest of Cheddar doesn't follow suit because it's looking rather run down these days.
Back on site and the sun makes an appearance, so chairs are brought out to enjoy some vitamin D hitting our chops.
I consult @DerektheWeather and his work of fiction is promising rain overnight. The canopy is bone dry so that gets dropped in readiness for breaking camp in the morning.
Usual routine for this week, scrub up and over to the Brean Down Inn for a drink. We had planned to eat there this evening, but the menu was somewhat limited. We had decided on Fish and Chips, but just as I was about to order two portions when two portions of the same came out to the adjacent table. They didn't look too appetising so we gave it a miss deciding on another takeaway back at the van.
We've been grateful of the dog friendliness of this place all week. Not everywhere is dog friendly. Their business, their business model and their decision. I have no problem with that but appreciate the ones that do all the more. We have 3 large Border Collies with us and we've been proud as punch when people take the trouble to compliment us on how well behaved they are lying quietly at out feet.
But there are always some (not all) that have no respect for others, and forgive me for generalising, but they always appear to be the owners of small dogs. Like the couple with a Pug a few tables away, with the pug sat up on a chair at the table, with his own drinks bowl on the table surrounded by his slobber and splashed water. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
I'm of the opinion that Brean itself looks better driving through it at night as opposed to daytime.
Not a late one tonight, both cream crackered and snoring by 9.30pm.
Breaking camp day today, and I'm up out of bed by 7.30am in a race against time before the rain arrives. We're done and just hitching up when the heavens opened, but are rolling by 8.30am relatively unscathed.
Wasn't a pleasant tow home, the rig behaved impeccably, but in heavy rain, blustery winds and much surface water and spray it's never going to be a relaxing tow in heavy traffic. We made good time though and were pulling round the corner by Home is Where You Drag It Towers after just over 2 hours.
Our stomachs lurch as we're greeted by the sight of many blue flashing lights and a few smashed up cars, only settling once we clocked Roid's Beamer parked up unscathed. Stopping outside the house and getting the van back in is out of the question so we continue up the hill, calling in on Coupons while the mess is cleared up. It'snot ofter your own doorbell will catch you towing past your own house.
What a great impromptu week away. Herself and I had some much needed "Us Time" away from the pressures of work and other commitments. We've generally been blessed with the weather, but strangely enough enjoyed the beach in the rain yesterday as well.
